gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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