I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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