I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
