A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
