i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He? As in you personified your dick?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
