yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
