Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
