he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
