I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize