well I can't set my house on fire every night
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I touched a dick in church today
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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