Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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