kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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