i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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