She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
