I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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