insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
