She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
