He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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