So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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