He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
