Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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