2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
