Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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