those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
