the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
