my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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