I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
