Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
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