It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
