they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize