I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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