Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
