I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
