Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
