Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
