Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
