my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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