Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
