A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
