I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
