You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
