Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
