I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Congratulations! We have a period
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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