U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i believe in u and ur pee
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
