it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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