Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
