I smell stomach acid.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
