My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
