I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
