i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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