Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
