Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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