I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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