drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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