I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
