last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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