my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
