Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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