this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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