I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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