he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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