how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
