Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
