He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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